~ Today’s young adults “meander” towards independence compared to previous generations and that changes parents’ roles, too. From Doing Life With Your Adult Children
We all know about the cost of living these days. And we also know what that translates to in real terms……. many of our adult children can’t afford to live on their own. I get it! My first apartment in 1990 was $325 a month. It was a nice TWO bedroom apartment. My 24 year old daughter just signed a lease on a ONE bedroom apartment for $1595 a month!! Fucking bonkers!!
I am elated to say that my husband and I can finally proclaim we have an empty nest! Granted, we fled to another state, but that’s a whole other blog. But up until recently we actually had my oldest who is 33 AND his 2 year old living with us. I love all my grandkids, but having them live with me was a third level of hell that I was not prepared for. When my kids were little we were broke AF! We didn’t have nice furniture and what not to worry about. Fast forward to present……. I’m still pissed about the ding in my wifi enabled, dual ice maker, bad ass fridge that he ran into with his trike he was riding IN my house. And the wine fridge I had to replace. THE WINE FRIDGE. Sacred territory. And the noise. So much noise.
All of my kids have come back home at one point or another for various reasons. Divorce, summers home from college, breakups, and the good old fashioned they had nowhere else to go. It’s so hard as a parent. You never want anything bad for your children. And homelessness would definitely qualify as bad. And then you have to walk the line between helping them and enabling them. And there’s no playbook, especially once they’re adults.
One of the hardest parts for me of having my adult children move back home was the strain it put on our relationships. They’re not kids anymore! They have lived out on their own and they have their own habits and tendencies and they definitely don’t want to hear about rules.
My husband and I were fortunate in our business, so we didn’t ask for rent or anything. We just asked that they helped keep up with housework, dishes, keep their own rooms clean. Easy peasy for free rent, right? You all know how that worked out already. I would wake up in the middle of the night and smell food cooking and just think “Fuck Me!”. I knew I would come downstairs to a sink full of dishes that next morning. And can we just acknowledge the fact that moms seem to be the only human beings capable of replacing the toilet paper roll? Is it just me? Please tell me I’m not alone!
I could spend hours complaining about the challenges of having your adult children live with you, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you get it! What has become the biggest issue for us now that they are out of the house is the evolution of “borrowing” money.
Can we talk about this whole Apple Cash/Cash App/Venmo phenomenon? What the fuck just happened? There is no escaping when one of them asks for money now. A thousand miles away? No problem. Low funds in the checking account? Use your Apple Card. It’s absolute insanity! They know damn good and well that when they ask for money now, the only reason they will get a no is because we flat out don’t want to. There are no more excuses left to use!
My parents were always willing to help me out. But I never wanted to ask for help. That was the difference! Things had to be pretty bad before I finally sucked it up and called my parents for anything, especially money. My kids aren’t afraid to ask for anything! Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Probably a bit of both. I shit you not, my daughter just texted me as I’m typing this to ask if she could order food on my DoorDash account because she’s hungry and “poor”. One word…..RAMEN!
So let’s switch gears a bit. Once again, I could bitch about the kids all day, but how it affects my marriage has really become my focus over the last year or so. It takes a toll. Mentally, emotionally, financially, it takes a huge toll. When my son and grandson were living with us, things really came to a head. For months, my husband was over it. It was just too much. We ran our own company from home and just trying to work was a challenge. My son repeatedly broke rules that my husband had put in place. But it all came to a head when my father in law passed away.
My husband was extremely close with his father and his illness and passing took a huge toll on him. With the relationship already strained between my son and husband, I found MY breaking point. My son did not go to the funeral or even come downstairs to the reception at the house afterwards. In fact, I had to have friends leave the funeral early to head to the house to set up for the reception, even though he was home. He never even told my husband he was sorry for his loss. He just avoided the whole thing because death makes him uncomfortable. Excuse me?
Now I’m all about the improvements that have been made in the mental health field and I’m all for being in touch with your feelings and all that crap. But let’s be serious here. This might not be a very popular opinion these days, but the younger generation has taken it too far at times. And this was one of those times. Put your big girl panties on, fuck your feelings for five minutes and go tell the man that raised you that you are sorry that his Dad died. FULL STOP. I have ALOT of feelings about this for a future blog…..stay tuned!
Anyhow, it’s safe to say my son and grandson quickly found themselves looking for a place to stay. I paid for two weeks in a hotel and told him to figure it out. It’s hard to find that line between sounding heartless and practicing the whole tough love thing. I don’t think this instance was about any parenting style. This instance was about my marriage and my husband. They had to take priority in this situation. Letting my son stay at that point would have been a slap in the face for my husband and I wasn’t about to do that.
Balancing your kids and your partner is something you have to do when they are young. But what I’m finally figuring out is this is MY time. I raised my children. They are adults now. And while they will always be my kids, they are not my full time responsibility anymore. I love them dearly. I worry about them contantly. But I can no longer make them my priority in my daily life. That may sound harsh, but just think about it. I’m in my early 50s now. I had my first child at 18. That’s a lot of years spent taking care of other people. It’s time to take care of me! So let’s start this journey together to find out what that looks like!
DRINK OF THE WEEK (Because Momming is Hard)
PALOMA
What a great refreshing drink for summer!
2 oz. Tequila (I prefer Tres Generaciones Repasado)
1/2 oz. Fresh Lime Juice
4 oz. Grapefruit Sode (Alternately, you can use grapefruit juice and club soda)
Salted Rim
Lime Wheel
Shake tequila and lime juice together. Pour over ice and add soda. Cheers!
Household Tip of The Week
Did you know that toilets are the number one water waster and source of high water bills? It is a misconception that you will hear a toilet running. Wrong! To see if your toilet is running remove the tank lid and add a few drops of food coloring. Wait about half an hour and go look in the toilet bowl. If the food coloring has made its way into the bowl then guess what…..it’s time to call the plumber!
